BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One/Quotes
Scene 1: Flashback to Horsin’ Around
Announcer: Horsin’ Around is filmed before a live studio audience.
The Horse: Well, good morning to you too.
BoJack: Where? I’d love hay. [chuffs]
Scene 2: Charlie Rose interview with BoJack
Charlie Rose: In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin’ Around premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin’ Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.
BoJack: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic—
Charlie: It’s really no problem.
BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot. I hope that’s okay.
Charlie: You parked in a—
BoJack: I’m sorry, disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature?
Charlie: Maybe you should move the car.
BoJack: No, I don’t think I should drive right now. I’m incredibly drunk.
Charlie: You’re telling me that you’re drunk right now?
BoJack: Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I’m nailing it.
Charlie: (Hesitantly) Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin’ Around. To what do you attribute the show’s wide appeal?
BoJack: Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it’s very hip these days to shit all over Horsin’ Around, but at the time, I can tell you. Is it okay to say «shit?«
Charlie: Please don’t.
BoJack: ‘Cause I—I think the show’s actually pretty solid for what it is. It’s not Ibsen, sure, but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes, everything’s gonna turn out okay. You know, because in real life Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
Charlie: Well, let’s talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show’s cancellation 18 years ago.
BoJack: That’s a great question, Charlie. I, uh—Uh, I—Um—
Scene 3: BoJack’s House
Announcer: In the case of one-year-old Phoenix, you are the father.
Todd: Morning, sunshine. [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomie?
BoJack: First of all, we’re not roommates. You are my houseguest.
Todd: Well, we don’t need to put labels on things.
BoJack: You sleep on my couch, and you don’t pay rent. I’ve had tapeworms that were less parasitic. I don’t even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
Todd: Because my parents kicked me out, and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don’t want anyone to know it.
[BoJack turns on the blender for Todd to finish his sentence before turning it off
Todd: .. you secretly have a good heart.
BoJack: You told me they didn’t approve of your «alternative lifestyle.» I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn’t realize by «alternative lifestyle» that you meant you were lazy.
Todd: That’s on you for making assumptions. Also, if you’re looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.
[BoJack groans and shuts the compartment door]
Todd: Did you say you’ve had tapeworms?
Scene 4: Silver Spoon Diner
Pinky Penguin: Thanks for meeting me here. I would have invited you to my office, but the electric company shut off our power.
BoJack: That’s unfortunate.
Pinky: Just an issue with the bank and a lack of money in it. Now, as you know, Penguin is very eager to publish your memoirs, but you keep missing your deadlines.
BoJack: I know, and I’m sorry, but I am making great progress.
BoJack: [Flashback] The BoJack Horseman Story, written by BoJack Horseman. Chapter one. Chapter one. Chap-ter-r-r .. One.
Pinky: Look, we really need a bestseller here at Penguin. Things are not that great for me, money-wise.
BoJack: Aren’t you an editor at a major publishing house?
Pinky: Yeah, a publishing house. When was the last time you saw a book?
BoJack: I thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it turned out it was a takeout menu.
Cow Waitress: Whenever you’re ready.
Pinky: We’re living month to month here. We’re kind of counting on your autobiography to save the company, no pressure.
BoJack: That’s actually a lot of pressure.
Pinky: Have you considered working with a ghostwriter?
BoJack: Ugh, no, thank you. Look, just give me one more week, and I will give you some pages that’ll knock your ass back to the South Pole.
Pinky: I’m from Cincinnati. It that doesn’t matter. I’ll.. I’ll call you in a week.
BoJack: Yes, one week. I’m telling you, this book is a top priority for me.
Scene 5: One week Later at BoJack’s House
[laughter on TV][cell phone vibrates][upbeat tune plays]
BoJack: Oh, right. Yeesh.
The Horse: You’re wearing that to the prom?
Olivia: What, you don’t think it’s cute?
The Horse: Neigh way, Jose.
BoJack: Ha-ha-ha. «Neigh way, Jose.» I improvised that line. I mean, it was written, but I gave it the old BoJack spin.
Todd: Hey, how many times have you watched this episode?
BoJack: Yeah, but do you get it, though? Because «nay» means no, but it’s also a thing that horses say. It works on every level.
BoJack: Ah, you don’t get it.
[cheerful music on TV]
«Three little orphans. One, two three. «
BoJack: (singing) Without a home or a family tree
Until this horse said, «Live with me»
BoJack: And now we’ve got a new family—We were lost and now we’re found and we are—Horsin’ Around
Todd: Are you drunk?
BoJack: Todd, I weigh over 1,200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk.
[pan out to reveal multiple empty bottles and cans of alcohol]
Todd: Ah, yeah, I see. You’re just bummed out because Princess Carolyn dumped you last night.
BoJack: Who told you Princess Carolyn and I broke up?
Scene 6: Elefante
[Flashback to ten hours earlier]
Princess Carolyn: BoJack, we need to talk.
BoJack: Hey, check out the rug on that guy.
Lenny: Slow and steady, am I right, ladies?
BoJack: Who does he think he’s fooling? Turtles don’t have hair.
Princess Carolyn: Stop embarrassing me. That is Lenny Turteltaub.
BoJack: You know, I am not crazy about the bread here. Mm. Why do I keep eating it?
Princess Carolyn: BoJack, can you please just listen for a second?
BoJack: You have my undivided attention.
Princess Carolyn: I think we should see other people.
BoJack: Were we not seeing other people?
Woman: [riding a horse] BoJack, I’m almost there.
BoJack: Wait. Shh! Shut up.
The Horse on TV: Now, that’s a horse of a different..cruller?
BoJack: Oh! God, that’s good comedy.
Princess Carolyn: BoJack!
BoJack: What?! Everyone gets a mulligan, and my mulligan was Carey Mulligan. I’m kidding, jeez. It was Emily Mortimer.
Princess Carolyn: [scoffs]
BoJack: What is the problem here? Are you embarrassed of me because I’m a has-been? Because you know that I’m writing that book that is gonna make everybody love me again.
Princess Carolyn: You’re not really writing a book.
BoJack: Well, I already spent my advance, so that’s a first step.
Princess Carolyn: Look, this has been a lot of fun, but I need to start thinking about my future. I mean, you don’t even respect me enough to have a baby with me.
BoJack: Whoa, what? I never explicitly said that.
Princess Carolyn: You said it with your actions.
BoJack: What actions?
Princess Carolyn: Oh, look at that baby. Isn’t he the cutest baby you ever saw?
BoJack: What? What? What? No, no, wha—
[horn honks][glass shatters][car door opens and closes][engine turns over][tires squealing][glass shattering][engine revving][tires screeching][loud crash][sirens blaring]
OFFICER: Step away from the stolen vehicle, sir!
BoJack: No, no, no. Misunderstanding, officer. I was running away from my girlfriend whom I don’t respect enough to have a baby with.
MAN: Hey, aren’t you the horse from Horsin’ Around?
Princess Carolyn: Oh, face it. You’re afraid of commitment.
BoJack: I’m not afraid of commitment. I commit to things all the time. It’s the following through on that commitment that I take issue with.
Princess Carolyn: Hey, stupid, isn’t that your friend over there?
BoJack: Oh, Mr.Peanutbutter? God, I hope he doesn’t see us.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Is that BoJack Horseman?
BoJack: Oh, jeez, here we go.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Mr.Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room. What is this, a crossover episode?
BoJack: You know, that gets funnier every time.
Mr. Peanutbutter: You’re being sarcastic, but I think it does actually get funnier every time.
BoJack: We’re actually in the middle of breaking up right now, so if you could just
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah? You’re in the middle of it?
BoJack: Yeah, that’s right.
Mr. Peanutbutter: So would it be awkward if I joined you right now?
BoJack: Yes, actually, it’s very awkward. Is that not clear?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, this is awkward right now?
BoJack: Yes, please leave.
Princess Carolyn: How are you, Mr.Peanutbutter?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, living the dream, P.C., living the dream.
BoJack: Why are you making conversation?
Princess Carolyn: Oh, let’s see, it’s the English word . It’s called being polite, BoJack.
BoJack: But am I crazy that this is a bad time?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Always a Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, BoJack?
Mr. Peanutbutter: You’ll get that one later, man. Erica, get out of here with that face.
Princess Carolyn: Would it kill you to be civil? This is why we’re breaking up.
BoJack: So it’s not because of the thing with the baby?
Princess Carolyn: It’s because of a lot of things! Waiter, could we please have the check? Thank you.
BoJack: We haven’t even ordered yet.
Princess Carolyn: I have wasted so many dinners on you, BoJack Horseman. I don’t know how you can expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.
Waiter: Here you go.
BoJack: Let me see that. Ten dollars for bread?! I don’t want to live in a society where the pre-meal bread isn’t free.
Chief: It is free if you order a meal.
Princess Carolyn: Can you take me home, please?
BoJack: Yeah, but I didn’t even eat that much bread. What did I have? I must have had
Chief: You ate nine baskets, sir.
BoJack: Nine ba—really? Great, now I’m gonna feel like a fat ass all week.
Scene 7: BoJack’s Car
BoJack: You’ve seen me naked. Do you think I’m getting chubby?
Princess Carolyn: You want to know the real reason we’re breaking up?
BoJack: What was that? Sorry. Couldn’t hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing.
Princess Carolyn: This is so classic you. You’re using this bread thing to avoid talking about our relationship.
BoJack: No, that is definitely not happening.
Princess Carolyn: I’d like to go home now.
BoJack: You think I’m fat.
BoJack: So yeah, technically I was dumped, but the real headline of the evening was, «Dumb guy eats bread, gets fat, the end.»
Todd: What kind of headline is that?
BoJack: Wasn’t there a pizza here a second ago? God damn it! Stop the presses.
Todd: You’re not fat. Oh, hey, let’s throw a party. That’ll cheer you up.
BoJack: No, it won’t. It’ll cheer you up. I’ll stand in the corner by myself eating cotton candy until I barf like I did at your last party.
Shenanigags guy: Hey, aren’t you The Horse from Horsin’ Around?
Todd: That was a good party. Hey, didn’t we get a cotton candy machine for that party?
BoJack: Who told you Princess Carolyn and I broke up?
Princess Carolyn: You never took me home, jerk!
BoJack: Oh, everything’s my fault.
Princess Carolyn: Take, me, home.
BoJack: Okay, jeez. But I’m not looking for parking in Silver Lake. I’ll slow the car down to a crawl, and you can duck and roll.
Princess Carolyn: You know what, you can take a last look at this face, because it’s the last time you’re gonna see it.
Princess Carolyn: [screams]
[cell phone vibrates][upbeat tune plays]
Laura: I’ve got Princess Carolyn for you.
Princess Carolyn: BoJack.
BoJack: Oh, my God, we just broke up.
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, but I’m still your agent. I pride myself on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life.
BoJack: Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I’m getting fat?
Princess Carolyn: No way. You are in the prime of your life, never looked better.
BoJack: What about as my ex-girlfriend?
Princess Carolyn: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.
BoJack: Wait, wait, so which pile of crap do I look like?
Princess Carolyn: The third one.
BoJack: What?! That’s the worst one!
Princess Carolyn: I’m not calling you as your ex. I’m calling you as your agent. Remember that book you’re pretending to write? Well, Penguin wants an update on your progress. Does Tuesday work for you, or are you gonna be too busy this week masturbating to old pictures of yourself?
BoJack: I told you, that’s not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented. You walked in at the worst possible moment!
Princess Carolyn: So, Tuesday, though?
[laid-back rock music] [«PENGUIN PUBLISHING»]
Pinky: You don’t have anything?!
BoJack: Hey, you got the electricity back. Good for you.
Pinky: This company is in dire straits.
[screams] [alarm blares]
Pinky: We made a series of very bad investments. Ever hear of a young adult franchise called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu?
Pinky: Then why did we spend $20 million on marketing? It’s okay, Pinky, go to your happy place.
Pinky: Look, I know you’re a busy guy.
BoJack: Actually, I am a busy guy. I live a very active lifestyle.
Sabrina: Can’t I just stay home with you?
The Horse: I know kindergarten is scary, but you’re a big girl now, and you have to be brave.
Sabrina: Okay, Daddy.
The Horse: Wait, did you just call me «Daddy»?
BoJack: Little Sabrina grew up right before our eyes, right, Todd? Todd? Todd!
BoJack: Did Sabrina grow up before our eyes?
Pinky: [clears throat] We’re tired of waiting. We’re hiring you a ghostwriter.
Pinky: She’s great, and she’s got a thing for horses. Check this out.
BoJack: Hey, Secretariat. You know, I always wanted to play Secretariat in a movie. He’s kind of my personal hero. Could never get the project off the ground, though. I mean, there was this one time I came close in the ’90s, but then those Prefontaine movies came out and people got tired of seeing running on-screen.
Pinky: Don’t tell me. Tell her!
Pinky: Call her. That’s a loan, by the way. We can’t afford to be giving out free books to people, but you can take anything you want from the Swamp Monsters swag box.
BoJack: Oh, God, I’m a failure.
Todd: Oh, you’re not a failure.
BoJack: Why did I say I could write a book?
Todd: Because you have an amazing story to tell. Relax.
BoJack: Relax? Easy for you to say, you hippie. You’ve never had a day of stress in your life.
Cartel Lord: And that’s for trying to sell E on the cartel’s turf.
Todd: [coughs] Oh, where’s Gabriela?
Cartel Lord: She went back to Mexico City, ese, to be with her husband.
BoJack: Who? We were talking about me. Can you try to focus for, like, a second?
Todd: Oh, yeah, sorry. You were saying?
BoJack: Never should have signed this book deal. You know what my problem is? I can’t say no to people because I want everyone to like me.
Todd: You want everyone to like you?
BoJack: Yeah, why? Do people not like me?
Todd: Uh. What were we talking about?
BoJack: I can see the headline now, «Stupid BoJack writes a stupid book about his stupid life, nobody cares.»
Todd: What newspapers are you reading?
Princess Carolyn: Hey, why don’t you just let that lady write your book and be done with it?
BoJack: Better question, why are you in my kitchen?
Princess Carolyn: I’m making breakfast. We had sex last night, dummy.
BoJack: Ugh, I really got to start putting my phone on airplane mode when I drink. [hisses] (to Todd) This lady probably thinks I’m just some dumb sitcom actor. I hate her and her stupid, impossible-to-pronounce last name, Na-goo-ya-go-goo-goo-goo-ga.
Todd: You haven’t even met her. Give her a chance. Oh, you should invite her to the party.
BoJack: What party? Why are you so obsessed with throwing a party all of a sudden?
Cartel Lord: You know how much money we lost ’cause of you? I can’t even afford a hall now for my daughter’s fifteenth birthday, and now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them. You owe me a party, ‘cabrAOn’, and if you don’t deliver
[muffled whimpers] [gunshot]
Todd: Because parties are fun?
BoJack: This book is really important to me. I don’t want to just hand it off to some stranger.
Princess Carolyn: If it’s so important, why have you written literally nothing in a year and a half?
BoJack: It’s too much pressure. This book is my one shot at preserving my legacy. I’m a joke, and if this book isn’t good, I’m gonna be a joke forever. Everyone thinks that I’m just this washed-up hack, but actually .. Oh, God, actually, what if they’re right? I can’t breathe. Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast!
Princess Carolyn: Oh, my God, my toast!
BoJack: Todd, on my grave, I want it to say that I was born in 1975.
Todd: No one’s gonna believe
BoJack: Damn it, can’t you respect a dying man’s wish?
Todd: You’re not dying.
[‘HOSPITAL][monitor beeping][steady tone]
Doctor: [sighs] Well, we did everything we could. Nurse, record the time of death. It doesn’t get easier. It never gets easier.
[» ST.ELMER’s Medical Center»]
Sabrina: What I don’t.. What do you mean he’s dead?
Doctor: That’s right, sweetheart. He died of a broken heart because you didn’t appreciate him enough, and now he’s gone forever.
BoJack: We might have gone too dark on that series finale.
Doctor: I’m required to hand you over to the child protective services. You’re the state’s problem now.
Todd: Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go?
BoJack: Linus walked around with a blanket. No one gave him shit for it.
Princess Carolyn: How long is that doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at 3:00.
BoJack: You have other clients?
Princess Carolyn: No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all day.
BoJack: Are your other clients more talented than I am? [PAUSE] Your silence speaks volumes.
Princess Carolyn: (sing-song voice) That was my intention
PIG DOCTOR: Well, BoJack, it looks like what you experienced was a mild anxiety attack.
BoJack: Jesus, if that’s mild, I don’t wanna know what spicy feels like. [PAUSE] Too smart for the room? It was a salsa joke, people.
Doctor: You’ve been over-stressed. I need you to take it easy.
Princess Carolyn: Take it easy, are you kidding? He doesn’t have a job. He has no real responsibilities. He doesn’t do anything but take it easy.
Doctor: Well, can you take it even easier?
BoJack: [somberly] I can try, doctor. I can try.
Princess Carolyn: This book deal is obviously stressing you out. Will you just call the ghostwriter already?
BoJack: What, you want me to call this woman on the phone? [gasps]
Doctor: Well, you just had another anxiety attack.
BoJack: And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn’t consistent. [laughs][SILENCE] Really, not even a pity laugh? I did almost die.
Doctor: I have to check on some other patients.
BoJack: You have other patients?
Todd: BoJack, let’s have a party, okay? I’ll organize the whole thing. You can invite the ghostwriter and have a nice, casual conversation in a fun, pressure-free environment.
BoJack: Okay, fine. We’ll have a party.
BoJack: But we’re not getting a cotton candy machine. I can’t control myself around those things.
Todd: I totally hear what you are saying, and I will do my best.
[mariachi music][singing in Spanish][laughter][cheering][laughter]
Cartel Lord: Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally for life. Mwah. Let’s dance!
BoJack: Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?
Todd: Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.
BoJack: Is this a Quinceañera?
Todd: Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a Quinceañera? Now who’s racist?
[«IT’S YOUR QUINCEANERA, CHRISTINA!»]
BoJack: I find that piñatata offensive.
Todd: If you’ll excuse me, I have a Virgin of Guadalupe pendant to present.
Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack!
BoJack: Oh, good Lord. Hey, Mr.Peanutbutter.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Can you believe this, the two of us in the same house? Is this a crossover episode? No, I’m just kidding around, man. Seriously, though, how are you?
BoJack: Well, I’ve been kind of up and
Mr. Peanutbutter: Living the dream, huh? Yeah. Hey, we’ll catch up later, all right? I want to talk to you. Erica, how are you looking so beautiful? I’m furious.
Diane: Hey, BoJack, right? BoJack Horseman?
BoJack: Yes. Oh, I’m.. I’m sorry, I don’t want to mispronounce your name.
Diane: Thanks for inviting me to your party. Sorry I haven’t really been mingling. I get kind of awkward at parties.
BoJack: Have you tried alcohol?
Diane: I don’t know. Parties make me anxious in a real broad sense. Like, look at that guy. He’s having fun. Why haven’t I figured it out?
Diane: No, there’s no guy there. I’m just saying, like, a guy, you know?
BoJack: Oh, okay, yeah.
Diane: I’m probably just overthinking it because I never got the practice because I didn’t get invited to any parties in high school. What am I talking about? You don’t care about any of that. Shut up, Diane. You’re at a party, compliment the host. You have a lovely home.
BoJack: Yeah, well, if you’re gonna throw away most of your adult life on some dumb sitcom, you might as well get a sweet house out of the deal, right?
Diane: So what are you working on these days?
BoJack: Well, mostly I just sit around the house and complain about things.
Diane: Yeah, how’s that working out for you?
BoJack: I can’t complain, so you know.
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, I will not have sex with you! This girl wants me to have sex with her. No, I’m just kidding around. You’re a good sport.
BoJack: Ugh, you know who that is?
BoJack: Yeah, he was on that show Mr.Peanutbutter’s House about that dog who adopted the three human kids. What a dumb idea for a TV show.
Mr. Peanutbutter: You people are all right. Who wants an autograph?
BoJack: He’s so stupid he doesn’t realize how miserable he should be. I envy that.
Diane: Hey, do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?
BoJack: Do I know his story? If I recall correctly, he was bringing up three boys of his own.
BoJack: They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.
Diane: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?
BoJack: That’s not all that was beneath him. Gay joke. Sorry, I’m better than that.
Diane: Most people don’t even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You’re actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You’re responsible for your own happiness, you know?
BoJack: Good Lord, that’s depressing.
BoJack: I’m responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own breakfast.
BoJack: Todd! I need help.
Diane: What would make you happy?
BoJack: Well, finishing my memoir, I guess.
Diane: Is that all? I can help you with that.
BoJack: Yeah? I mean, would you even want to? You’d have to spend a lot of time with me. You’d probably get sick of me.
Diane: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
BoJack: Okay. Well, then I guess you’re hired, but don’t put all that stuff about how sad I am in the book.
Diane: Oh, that doesn’t count. We weren’t on the clock yet.
BoJack: Yeah, exactly. You’re only my ghostwriter starting nah-ah-ah-ah.. Starting now.
Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack!
BoJack: Ugh, this guy.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Hey, man, wanted to let you know, you are out of beer. Oh, I see you’ve met my beautiful girlfriend, Diane Nguyen.
BoJack: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. You drank all my beer? Also, you two are dating?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah.
BoJack: You’re dating him?
BoJack: This is your boyfriend?
Mr. Peanutbutter: That is correct.
BoJack: You are going out with you?
BoJack: But in a sexual way, not just as friends?
Mr. Peanutbutter: That’s right.
BoJack: You have seen her naked.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Many times, yes.
BoJack: You are attracted to this?
BoJack: This penis has been inside this vagina?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yep.
BoJack: But in a sexual way.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, yes.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, my God.
Diane: Are you okay?
[vomits] BoJack: I’m just—I’m fine. I’m just—I’m really happy for you.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Should we get someone, or—
BoJack: No, everything’s—Oh, this is really—Wonderful. Oh, God.
BoJack: (to Diane) Starting—now.